I am coming to terms with a big theme in my life and that is avoiding leadership. At times responsibilities weigh too heavy on me, even though I love doing them for my family. For some reason, I avoid creating a structure or directing groups when I am directing adults not children.
My current theory is that I care too much if I am doing a good job and if someone could do it better. Usually, I volunteer for extra work, but lately, I am finding it overwhelming to just sign up for my child’s preschool Parent Duties. I don’t want to over-commit and have people disappointed in me. I dislike failing or letting people down once I have committed to a task.
Also, I have a crippling fear of not being able to complete a task to others’ satisfaction. Which I know is from feeling others people’s disappointment in my gifts. And it might stem from being guilted into submission as a child or having to babysit my older siblings at a young age. Even trying to think of the reasons that create panic and anxiety inside me.
Or it stems from not being popular in school and having to pick teams. Being an empath fails me in this situation because I can feel and see their disappointment in being picked by me. It’s that rejection that drives me to not care at all that people think or care so much that I don’t even try.
Avoiding Leadership, Sometimes
This goes for my career too, I seem to pick background jobs. Like a dishwasher in a restaurant, the night shift at a bakery, a shelf stocker in a toy store, or a lab tech in a hospital. While my childhood jobs were very ambitious: opera singer, plastic surgeon and librarian. Somewhere during my development, I lost my confidence in being a leader and taking responsibility for situations.
Also, it does not help when I have a partner who likes to disregard my input on ideas. Because my partner is the sole money contributor, I feel I have to run big ideas through him. Which causes me to feel like he is a better leader than me. This fear runs deep and happens in many different situations throughout my life. So I will need some time to find the real source of my issue.
Live Joy, Renee