Author: Renee Nixdorf

Watching my children struggle makes me realize how I must have struggled with my learning hiccups. My one child, who was recently diagnosed with Dyslexia and Dysgraphia, is also very determined, which works for and against them. This one time, I promised them if they wrote out a sentence over and over to fill up a sheet, I would reward them with candy. Their learning disability made this simple task difficult. They ended up crying the whole time, but they completed the sheet. In hindsight, what I asked of them was torture and watching them cry broke my heart in the process.

Knowing what I know now, I can approach the situation differently. At the time, I thought they were being dramatic. And I did not want to give in to them. What a difference a professional diagnosis can make. I look back on my childhood and find similarities in my learning struggles. First, my mother addressed my attention issues by having me sit quietly at the table for five minutes, eventually increasing the minutes until I could do twenty. She reminded me that when I was thinking to myself, I was talking out loud, and my volume was loud.

I felt my mother’s corrections were just her picking at me like my grandmother did. My grandmother was I prim-like lady who needed to clean and trim my nails, brush my hair and make sure I wore clean and neat clothes. Because my grandmother was over the top in her micro-grooming, I took my mother’s efforts for granted. I placed both of them in the same category as people who wanted to change me.

Lessons Not Learned

As it was, I devalued my mother’s work to help me become a better student and being able to control my ADHD. I ended up being the weird kid in school anyway, with all my singing and laughing to myself during class. On top of that, my learning disability caused me to be slower at learning, making me an easy target. Despite all that, my ADHD helped me to overcome it. People with ADHD like to be only in the present moment, and when all the awful moments pass, we forget. It is all part of the poor working memory we have.

ADHD is a curse and a blessing for me during my childhood. If it was not for my ADHD, my learning disability and all the teasing would have brought me down. Causing depression, anxiety or maybe even suicidal thoughts. Which is a miracle in itself. I have always wondered how I escaped all those heavy emotions and energies. Now, I give thanks to my ADHD for keeping me happy and safe during my youth.

Live Joy, Renee

Currently, I am in the process of being reevaluated for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. Also, one of my children has been recently diagnosed with Dyslexia and Dysgraphia, causing me to believe I should be evaluated too. I know I have a learning disorder, it has been apparent throughout my life. Yet, being diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, it was not investigated.

Through my child’s diagnosis process, we have learned that a learning disability can disguise itself as an attention issue. I will not be surprised to know that I also have Dyslexia and Dysgraphia alongside my ADHA. During my re-evaluation, I do not present as ADHA. Admittedly, I did have hyperactivity as a child. But as my metabolism slows down with age, so do my ADHD symptoms.

As An Adult

As an adult, I have no urge to fidget, and I can hold my focus very well. Over the years I developed coping mechanisms that are now part of my core personality. My ADHD Working Memory problem is still an issue for me. Now, I understand why I did not want to work as a waiter or in retail. The fear of writing or remembering something wrong scared me, and I believe dyslexia and dysgraphia contributed to that fear too. It will be nice to understand myself and know why I feared what I feared growing up.

As I ponder what I would like to do with my time for a career, I wonder if I should still keep those fears or let them go. Now, that I am strong and sure enough of myself, I do not think my learning disability will be a hangup for me. For a career, in the past, I wanted to be in the background under the instructions of someone else. I felt safe there, following orders and instruction manuals, and going through a daily routine.

Soon I will be referred to a healthcare professional who can evaluate me appropriately and I can have my answer. I am nervous and excited to find out if what I am already doing is enough or if medical intervention is necessary. I would like to make sure I am being the best me possible for my family while paving the way for my children.

Live Joy, Renee