Category: May 2022

I am bad for wanting to help others who sound helpless. Even if they did not ask, I go straight into offering my help. Whether it’s helpful to them or not. This weekend, I caught myself offering help where help is not needed. Putting myself in a place I do not want to be in. I wish to tell the other person that I offered my help by mistake and would like to rescind my offer if the change comes up.

Place Holders In Life

Certain characters in my life feel like placeholders. They appear to be directionless in life. I see their daily struggles with finding a purpose and offering my own. Like a fool, I believe they will help peace and joy in the same things I do. This is silly because everybody must find their life purpose and use their drive to follow through.

I think I am helping, but I am pushing my life goals onto them. I believe there are people out there that are just meant to be companions. Without major drives to cause change, but to be a companion for others along their journey. There is nothing wrong with this situation, it’s just hard for me to understand their purpose.

But not all are meant to shine bright, some are meant to help others do their shining. And I am sure we all take turns shining and helping others. In a relationship, it should be a give and take, but sometimes one person gets to suck. Not knowing how to get back into helping others shine instead of themselves.

Message From My Guide

Imagine yourself as a tree, rooted deep into the ground and unable to move around. People in seek of help, will come to you for your shade and shelter. But for all of those that stay just out of reach, you can not help. Until they want what you are offering.

A deep lesson for me to lessons. As I have the urge to help when maybe help is not warranted. I hope to integrate this lesson and become a more effective catalyst in this world. Only offering my help and energy to those who want it.

Live Joy, Renee

Sorry for my big delay this month, as I am going through a kind of energy contraction. This usually happens once or twice a year and last as long as one week to a whole month. If happens after a life change or after I transmute some heavy energy from my being. I can describe it as a feeling of something that used to be there, like a lacking.

After I transmuted the heavy emotion of helplessness, a void was created. The emptiness of where I held space for helplessness after so many years is noticeable. I do not know if I need to learn how to fill the hole or when it is done right, it will not be noticed at all.

In the past, I have filled these voids with shopping sprees, tattoos, piercings, hair changes and decluttering my space. Most actions are reversible, even though I have never wanted to turn back the hands of time to do so. Retail Therapy a common occurs among both males and females, while females tend to show off their goods more often.

Last night during my space of nothingness and everything-ness, I received communications from my guide. A guide which I have had throughout life so far is an ancestor of mine. He is Indigenous and is related to my maternal grandmother. I have been told by readers that he is here to help me work through my relationships with male family members. And perhaps all the men I do encounter also heal my toxic masculine traits.

“Little Willow”, He Called Me

“You are like a Weeping Willow tree. Strong, tall and beautiful but your branches weep down. With that, you can offer shade, shelter and beauty to all that seek it. Embrace your sadness, it’s your greatest gift.”

After I saw him as a triangle and I embraced him in a hug. I know I carry his sadness with me, but I can release it for him with my actions. I believe that our spirit guides are just our souls in a different incarnations. As they help us, we help them in their present.

Through this interaction, I can release my current sadness and release his too. It felt beautiful and uplifting, as I do not feel sad anymore and my energy levels are up again. As are my creative juices, hence why I can write this post.

Live Joy, Renee

For the past year, I have been overcoming my small fears. The ones I have convinced myself that I don’t look good in or can not pull off. These are things a have slowly accumulated starting as dislikes and then turning into unrealistic fears. Like having bangs or wearing eyeliner and exploring sexual pleasure. These things and more, I have created a fear-based story around them explaining why I should not do or try them.

I have been known for saying that I regret nothing in life except when I get bangs. Even though I do cut my bands every five years or so, I inevitably end up hating them within a day or two. So last Autumn, I decided not to try it half-ass and gather my collective information about what I like about bangs and what does not work. This task might not sound that remarkable but it is. We can not always face the big stuff, but we can challenge ourselves to conquer the small stuff.

To Small Victories

After successfully cutting a thick slice of triangle-shaped bangs, I was able to enjoy them for six months. I even went as far as to cut micro bangs three months into them. For a person with curly hair, bangs are a real feat. Because I needed to separate my hair, blow dry them then straighten it with a flat iron. I need to do this every day and that takes commitment, especially with the humidity.

I also gave up washing my skin with soap every day and doing a three-step face-cleaning routine to fight acne. At my age, I should have acne under control but I was failing. There was this imprinted fear put there since puberty by magazines, television commercials and my peers to clean my face to have the best skin. So after watching a Netflix show on skin, I decided to stop putting anything on my face but water. I started using a facial sponge to wash down my face every morning but that is it and it works. If I do get pimples, they are so small, clear up quicker and are unnoticeable to others.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

The fear I do regret now that I am on the other side is sexual pleasure. My hang-ups on sex came from generations of family adultery and misleading sex scenes in movies and porn. And what I thought the opposite sex wanted, I have been unknowingly denying myself the best orgasms ever. Through experimenting with simple sex toys and uncomfortable conversations with my partner, we are now more satisfied than ever.

Through these little victories, I can gain confidence and break my unrealistic views about my fears. I will continue to conquer the small stuff and show life I am ready to live unburdened by my limitations.

Live Joy, Renee

After my bout of helplessness for the Robin family’s misfortunes, I found myself sliding into sadness. I am starting to believe that other emotions turn into sadness when the initial shock wears off. I find that the animals outside my window are not brought me any happiness and I usually enjoy observing them throughout my day. They show me all of God’s beautiful work, but also the reality of nature and the food chain. Even though all of nature has its beauty, all of nature is part of the flow of life. Birth-growth-death and repeat.

Humans have created a way out of the circle of life through medicine, healthy living habits and social support. We can protect ourselves from the elements and most natural disasters. We can create our food and secure it through farming and agriculture. And yet we are subjected to emotions and lifelong traumas that prevent us from living in the now, like animals.

I do not know why we are still shocked when we see or hear about human violence or suffering. That is the animalistic part of our existence and it’s our feelings that lock us in emotional distress. We do have all the advantages in life, all we need to do now is understand our feelings. Like, what creates long-lasting emotional trauma and how can we release it when it happens.

What Is Next?

How can we be more like animals in the way of dealing with traumatic events or losses? As emotional beings, we can not ignore our feelings or deny them. We need to go through them. By allowing yourself to feel them when they happen and not letting them live inside us forever.

After a surge of heavy emotions, I am learning to allow myself to experience it. But the lingering effect of lower energy causes another emotion to trigger. Sadness subsequently accompanies other emotions and is known to linger longer. As it is, I still have some emotional work to do to release my sadness and its deep-seated hold on me.

Live Joy, Renee

I am starting to think there is a link between being raised in the catholic religion and a crippling fear of helplessness. Since I grow up in a Roman Catholic family, who did not observe the holy path. Conflict in my life arose, mostly due to the lessons in the bible and what my family did. The duality was too much for my young self to comprehend, causing me to question my beliefs. If my family’s religion frowned on what we did, how was I supposed to love them too?

I now understand the guidelines the bible is demonstrated for the world. But the outdated terms and analogies did not allow my younger self to grasp it. So when my siblings conceived children as teenagers and out of wedlock, I was conflicted. Because my religion was telling me they sinned and that God is unset. I could not understand why God would or ever could be made at these young souls. All souls are God’s creations.

Changing Body and Mind

During adolescence, I decided to step back from religion and reevaluate my faith. To this day I still dislike any organized religion or any organization that doctrines their participants with outdated material. That being said, I do understand that religion has a place in our modern world. It helps give structure and paints a clear path on how to live a good life, but here is a catch.

A deep-seated feeling of helping the helplessness. I believe through all the ten commandments and other life structuring religion teaches us, there is a need to help others. Service To Others, in other words, and innately there is nothing wrong with that motto. Until people start only putting others before themselves and therefore creating an imbalance of energy. What I took away from my Roman Catholic days is, helping others is an important deed.

But this does not nullify the first step in making sure you are in the right frame of mind, body and soul to help others. Because many people are not fully ready to help others until they clean up their being. Unfortunately, that is not what usually happens, people seem to help no matter what. Ready or not and that can create an overdeveloped need to help.

Moving Beyond

This is where my urge to help the seeming helplessness comes from. What I have stated in my previous post is all about perception and mine was out of whack. I needed to adjust what I classified as helplessness. As to not deprive an individual of their sovereignty. I believe I am not allowed in this struggle, like others who grow up catholic with sinning families might feel the same.

This environment helped to create a duality in my morals and a life-limiting struggle wondering if I did enough. At times I feel helpless since according to my religion, I was born a sinner and continue to be one throughout my life. As I continue to unpack and work through my trauma of duality and a family history of guilt. I hope to come out the other side, lighter and free-er with strong boundaries and realistic expectations.

Live Joy, Renee